I had planned a trip to Bali for the month of December. I had so been looking forward to this trip– I had a plane ticket booked for almost a year! I had told everyone I was going, and I worked it out to ensure things at work would be fine without me. It really took something to be ready like this!
But then I became sick. The most sick I’ve ever been. But I still planned to persevere! I was also heartbroken from a recent fling, but even better reason to go! A volcano erupted on Sunday and I didn’t mind! The airport in Bali was shut down because of the ash and I wasn’t worried about it! I packed my bag and was going to leave that night. I was determined. Nothing was going to stop me!
I stopped my office to finish up a few things and my super supportive staff listened and told me not to go. I frantically called the airlines several times and they encouraged me to change my ticket and get a full refund.
I sat in my car. Confused. Upset. Tired. Sick. Sad. Disappointed.
And then I listened. I listened to the voice inside of me that wants to persevere. The one that is determined to do what I said I was going to do. The one that pushes through.
I realized that I often hold on to things—because I want it my way. I want things to work out. I want to follow through on my word. I don’t want to look bad or weak. I don’t want to succumb to fear. This is all past-based programming. I developed the need to control because it helps that little girl inside of me feel safe.
And then I listened to another voice. The one that says to slow down, take it easy. The one that says, I’m ok. The one that gives me permission to let go. That I don’t have to be perfect. The one that says rest, heal, regroup, love yourself.
So I surrendered to the universe. I surrendered to the volcano. I surrendered to my healing. I surrendered to my heart. I canceled my trip and finally let go of control. I opened up to myself—the raw, real and messy self who doesn’t always have it together.
And through all of this, I recommitted to my growth and the possibility of being free, trusting, and truly loving myself.
And by the way, I rescheduled my trip for May:)